It's ELECTRIC!

"Electricity, e-lec-tricity!" ~Schoolhouse Rock

"More power to the people! ...More pussy to the power!" ~Parliament

This morning wasn't great for electricity. I turned on my light switch and -POP!- both bulbs blew out, and then all the power in my flat was no more.

This was incredibly disorienting because I'd just woken up from a hallucinogenic nightmare about evil, sentient, shape-shifting fungus. There was a new NYC underground nightclub trend where people would go to this fungus den and, well, just sort of run around in a blacklit haunted house with trance music and crazy morphing mushroom scenery. I specifically remember one of the more self-reflexive rooms with an NES Mario theme, where you could hop around on goombas, again, to trance music. Anyway, I discovered the evil secret of the club, which was that the club was secretly evil, and so I was being pursued by two of the fungi. These particular fungi decided to disguise themselves as impossibly tall midwestern tourists, complete with flannel farmer shirts, jean overalls, and fanny packs (filled with, I suspected, pure soporific evil). There was also a good fungus, trying to escape and spread the horrible truth, who appeared as a helpless little girl.

I start having dreams like this when I haven't done drugs in a while. I'm not joking.

So I woke up right as the fungi had chased me to my mom's apartment and -POP!- no power. My head was spinning, and I couldn't turn on the boiler to take a warmish shower. I'm supposed to have a backup generator for the lights, but it takes Wednesdays off.

When the power is on, it does weird things. About 75% of the time, touching my laptop feels like licking a 9v battery. About 5% of the time the charge coming out of it through the plastic casing is strong enough so that my finger twitches if I try typing.

This girl I was seeing a while back told me she was into electricity sex. (To be fair, she was into everything.) She promised me that with the right hookup, my prostate could be zapped directly into orgasm. Sounds OK to me. The future is now!

I was bored, and was wondering if my macbook is prostate-compatible. (Backwards compatibility! ehhhhhhh-heh-heh-huff-huff-wheeze...) Or maybe if I just slap my penis on the thing, it'd feel good, or at least funky and new. But what if there was a power surge right then?!

!!!

Caution got the best of me, and don't worry, the laptop is still clean enough for other people to use.